I love lists. Checking things off, accomplishing goals, watching a long to-do list dwindle to nothing. It’s quite satisfying, but I haven’t made many lists lately, aside from grocery lists. Why? Because as exhilarating as it is to accomplish goals, I can easily become slave to my own agenda. I become so narrow-minded, I forget to be present in the moment.

It’s why I was surprised when God asked me to make two lists during a quiet time. I typically just free journal while reading a passage of Scripture. Holy Spirit will highlight a phrase and we’re off to deep places. September 17, 2019 was very different. I was reading Psalm 23, a chapter which is so easy for me to breeze through without actually studying it. I’m familiar with it. I think I know it.

Who knew I didn’t really know it? God.

He told me to go through the chapter and make two lists: One list of everything I do and another of everything He does. What follows are the two lists and what I gleaned from them.

Things I do:

1. “I shall not want.” (Psalm 23:1)
2. “I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” (Psalm 23:4)
3. “I will fear no evil…” (Psalm 23:4)
4. “I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)

Things You do:

1. “Adonai is my shepherd.” (Psalm 23:1)
2. “He makes me lie down in green pastures.” (Psalm 23:2)
3. “He leads me beside still waters.” (Psalm 23:2)
4. “He restores my soul.” (Psalm 23:3)
5. “He guides me in paths of righteousness for His Name’s sake.” (Psalm 23:3)
6. “You are with me…” (Psalm 23:4)
7. “Your rod and Your staff comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)
8. “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” (Psalm 23:5)
9. “You have anointed my head with oil, my cup overflows.” (Psalm 23:5)
10. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.” (Psalm 23:6)

My list is so much shorter than Your list, and all of it is only because of Your list. Everything on my list happens because You are completing Your list. If I am surrendered to Your Lordship, I shall not want. If not, I’m constantly searching for the next thing to satisfy me. I’m constantly striving for peace, instead of resting in You. If I am surrendered, You will lead me to the places which give life. I will never thirst again. Surrender brings restoration, wholeness.

The perspective shifts in the valley of the shadow of death, but why? Why do I go from talking about You to talking directly to You in times of grief or sorrow? Is it only then that  I press in to You? Is it because Your presence is somehow more tangible in those moments? You can’t be more or less near, or more or less tangible; but I can press in more or less in those times. I think it shifts because the valley of the shadow is where You become real to me. I must rely on Your goodness because it’s all I have. In the moments where I would be tempted to say You’re not there, Your Word says I do not fear because You are with me. You’re not just waiting on the other side of the darkness, hoping I make it through. You walk with me through it. You are the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. You’ve proven Yourself faithful, even though You never need to prove Yourself at all.

I will press in to You, no matter the circumstance. In good times and bad. I fear no evil, because my battle is not against flesh and blood and You are with me. The battle is Yours, anyhow. You are present and active. You bring correction and boundaries, which are comforting to me. Without boundaries, I would do as I please, which isn’t true freedom. True freedom in Christ embraces the boundaries set by a loving Father. If He knows everything, why wouldn’t I trust Him when He says “Others may. You may not.”

You prepare a feast before me in the presence of my enemies. I repent for all the times I read that and placed brothers and sisters in Christ at that table of enemies. They are not my enemies. Fear, doubt, anger, entitlement, pride, unforgiveness, independence, and bitterness are my enemies. He prepares a feast and anoints me in the presence of my enemies. Am I so in need of recognition and advancement from man that I would place men and women I should have been collaborating with at a table of my enemies? It’s so much easier to say, “It’s their fault” when really, a circumstance is the result of a lie I’ve chosen to believe. The enemy so desires enmity between people that he would convince us we’re better off facing the world alone.

You anoint me, not any man. True advancement and promotion is Kingdom-driven. If I seek a platform without His blessing and covering, I am inviting offense and bitterness into my life. By inviting offense and bitterness in, I leave an open door to an enemy who couldn’t care less about me; I cede territory to an enemy who only seeks to kill, steal, and destroy.

You cause my cup to overflow. I can’t force it. I can’t try and fill my own cup because in order for it to overflow, You must be the one filling it. You must be the one pouring into me. Anything I take in must be God-breathed.  You must be the driving force of overflow. How can I spill You out on to others if I haven’t been filled by You? How can I bear fruit if I don’t put down roots anywhere near the living water? I can’t. I can’t do what I was created to do if I’m nowhere near the Creator.

Because Your goodness and mercy follow me, because You chase after me, because You are goodness and mercy, I will dwell with You forever. Judgment deems me unfit to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Your mercy sees my unfitness, shows compassion, covers me in the blood of Jesus, and invites me in. Goodness and Mercy see me, want me, and chase me down until they catch me. You don’t relent. You don’t give up.

In conclusion…

He doesn’t give up on us, even when we don’t fulfill our side of the list. The greatest thing about this Shepherd of ours is that even when we are the one sheep who loses its way or runs astray, He will leave the other ninety-nine and bring us back. He will pick us up, carry us, and rejoice that the lost sheep has come home. Our Father does not give up on us.