Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”

Matthew 18:21

The topic of forgiveness has been on our hearts for a while. We decided the easiest way to dive into the topic would be to sit down and record our discussion on what it looks like, brief practical and spiritual things to know, and our personal encounters in obtaining freedom through forgiveness. We hope this blesses and encourages you!

Steph
If you’re forgiving over and over and over again, sometimes you just need to ask why, or ask God to show you what it is. I feel like a lot of times we absolutely do the right thing, we take down the walls that are between us. We say, “I feel like I’ve forgiven everyone, but there’s still something lingering.” 

Jules
Forgiveness for me had been a lengthy process at times, because there were so many connecting wounds and you unearth more and more over time. There can be so much compounded trauma that you simply don’t know how to sort or handle. Hopefully you know that God has paid everything just to forgive you. And you know that you should in turn forgive others. But how do you handle the pain from it? I could be in the middle of doing some random task and something will trigger this memory and remind me of this really awful time. And that pain just kind of rises up again. 

Mentally, I can decide to forgive this offense/let it go. But the pain stirs up again and takes you back to that place of hurt. I genuinely didn’t know that forgiveness was such a process. It’s something that you walk out, and it’s something that you walk IN every day, deciding that you won’t allow any kind of offense when you encounter someone. Because half the time you don’t have the whole story, right? You could be perceiving an offense that was never truly committed because of what you allow yourself to think about a moment. Walking in forgiveness is ensuring that nothing attaches to you that doesn’t belong. I have to focus on my walk with God and loving others through the love he graciously gives me. He is the true judge of any heart and it’s not ours to sort out without asking His perspective. A person you encounter may have never intended any harm or be aware of their impact on you in that moment.

Steph
Right? It’s nice to wake up every morning and choose to set my heart to forgive. Because otherwise, it’s like you say, one careless comment from anyone can turn into a wound that fosters bitterness. I would say most of the time, it’s totally unintentional.

Jules
You never know what someone else is going through.

Steph
You truly never know. And most of the time when people are lashing out, they’re lashing out from their own pain. You know? I think it’s so important to wear forgiveness like armor. Even if there is that one person you have to continually keep forgiving. My pastor was talking and self-control and forgiveness and specifically referencing the scripture where Peter asked Jesus, “How many times should we forgive them? Seven?” And Jesus said, “No, it’s 70 times seven.” That actually means 77 times. Jesus is referencing Genesis 4 when Lamech recited to his wives a poem he wrote about himself saying, “Cain may be avenged sevenfold, but I will be avenged seventy-fold.”

Jules
It blew my mind that the God of the Old Testament was so merciful. I realized this years later when consistently reading through all of it. Cain killed his brother, and we see God telling him: I hear his blood crying out from the ground. And wouldn’t we think God would just strike him down? God’s penalties were often great. But yet we see Him show mercy here. He saw repentance. And he showed mercy. His forgiveness is so great toward us. We could never earn or deserve it. How can we not extend that to others? It can be a little thing we do every day, whether it’s on the road in traffic, are you kind, compassionate, merciful? Do you forgive the person who accidentally jumps in front of you? You know, you get the little “sorry” wave in the window. Right, little annoyances and things that we do every day, and we’re not perfect. We try to walk as best as we can yet we often make mistakes. I’ve been forgiven a lot in my life. I’ve been shown a lot of forgiveness. I can’t just turn around and treat somebody else worse, wherever they’re at. It’s just the goodness of God that he cares about what we extend to other people. He showed us the model, and showed us how to live it, and he wants us to apply it.

Steph
Philippians is basically a book about how to do life with other people on this planet. And it’s just to deal joyfully with everyone. You know, don’t consider yourself better than another person. Just try and live in harmony with others.

Jules
The way my pastor says it is this: where you stopped forgiving is where you stopped growing. And that was so applicable to me, because at a time where I was trying to sort a lot of my life out, I was also discovering who God truly was. And I would make some progress. But I would constantly have these setbacks that just kept popping up. I didn’t know how to move forward. I couldn’t remove from my mind what I’d been through because it was so traumatic. 

Incredible healing would finally come by way of reciting and praying through The Lord’s Prayer, something my church made a core of their daily prayer and devotional plan. I grew up learning and knowing the Lord’s Prayer but it wasn’t this living and active thing until years and years later. I didn’t realize the power of it. 

My church broke it down into action steps. So where you would start with “our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,” you would declare God’s holiness. Say: “God, you’re holy”. Day and night in heaven, the angels are declaring He’s holy, holy, holy over and over and over. And that’s what heaven is like. The prayer continues, “give us this day, our daily bread,” so we pause and request anything we need. And it would walk all the way down to “who do I need to forgive” as we asked for forgiveness of our debts as we forgive our debtors. 

Our church did a 21 day fast and we would walk through the Lord’s prayer every day. I would run into the forgiveness portion. And it’s like, okay, who in my life do I need to forgive? And I knew who I needed to forgive. And I’ve been trying to forgive some people for a very long time. I kind of threw my hands up and I was like, fine, I need to say it. I’m going to say it. I’m going to do the work. It started out a little defiant because I didn’t know how the pain could be removed and forgotten. It was so hard to do. And it was like God, I don’t know how to do this. But I’ll say it, right? So for a few days, I would just say it and then slowly over time I wasn’t battling it so much because it was shaping my heart until I would love to say all the parts of it. I kept praying to forgive them, and slowly it started changing my heart. 

And I realized in some ways I have been wronged, but at the same time, I had caused a lot of strife out of my own pain. I had a lot that I needed to be forgiven for. And in the most divine appointment I’ve ever walked into, on the last day of the fast, the people I’ve been praying to forgive for 21 days ran into me in public. 

And it was this moment of either temptation (to remain hurt and distant), or blessing. God was like, “What are you going to do in this moment?” I’d had so much pain, I’d been so shaped by shame and fear that my first instinct was, “I have to run”. And I was having a bit of a panic attack. I didn’t know how to respond. 

Then I made my choice, in a culmination of praying for 21 days to do the right thing. I walked up to them, apologized for any wrong I had done, embraced them and we just broke down crying. What I learned in that moment was I so badly needed obedience. And I wouldn’t have thought I was so disobedient (unforgiveness is disobedient). But the truth is, as I was saying that prayer, it put me back into obedience. It helped me put things back on the altar that I kept removing, things I gave to God that I said, “nope, this is mine again”. And that was it. I didn’t have to repeatedly go to someone, to have them pray over me to help me heal. I didn’t have to have some big dramatic thing happen. It was just this prayer. It shaped me and Jesus knew what he was saying when He said it. This is how you pray. This is what keeps you in covenant with Him. And it blew my mind.

Steph
When you finally choose obedience, and to surrender to the Lord’s authority, you realize He really does have your best in mind. You can finally see that He really is a good father, that He will not abandon you, and He won’t neglect you or leave you. You know, when you finally believe that His love truly is perfect. That to me was the moment when I knew, “I can trust Him with this hurt. I can finally let go of this person and I can say, you know what I forgive.” For me, that was one of the biggest things: just realizing that He is a good father.

Jules
I would get so wrapped up in “I can’t trust this person.” But it’s like, we can trust God. So like no matter what this person is done, and no matter whether they’ll ever apologize for what they did, maybe it was so traumatic, despite all of that, you know that there is a Father with your best interest no matter what happened. He has every good intent for your life, and will take everything bad and turn it into good. When I know that I can trust Him, I have to let go of the other person. Because I can’t put my trust in them.

There was a verse that really spoke to me when I was like, broken down with unforgiveness and that state turned into fear. A lot of fear. “Fear of man will prove to be a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” I would think, “what if this person comes back and says this? What if they do that? What if they do this?” Those thoughts will keep you in a snare, and you’re constantly falling in the sandpit because you’re latching on to this person and hinging everything on what they may do/not do. It can make you say and do irrational things and at times, even paralyze you from doing the good things you need to do.

The big thing is realizing that God is your advocate. It sounds all fluffy, feathery, “oh, just forgive them, God forgives, God is merciful”, but at the same time, he is your advocate. He is your fighter, He’s your champion, He will fight the battle for you. You know, He’s not going to just let it happen, He will somehow deal with it. We may never see his dealings or know the outcome. And they still have access to repentance just as we do in God’s great mercy.

Steph
That’s an important thing. Forgiveness does not mean that you automatically have to trust whoever hurt you or give them access to you. It just releases them from the debt that they owe you and into God’s hands. Yeah, they’ll have to face consequences, but they still have the opportunity to receive God’s mercy.

Jules
So in saying that, you’re kind of asking God to cover them. Right? It’s kind of opening your heart for compassion, despite what’s happened.

Steph
Right. It’s Biblical to cover others. And I’ve been working on that lately. Because I just so want everyone to always do the right thing, but I also have to have compassion.

Jules
Would you say love covers a multitude of sins?

Steph
Yes, I would. The context for that verse is interesting. It isn’t talking about Jesus’ love, although His love does and did cover a multitude of sins. It says, “Love others, for love covers a multitude of sins.” Peter wrote that as a very changed man. He started out asking Jesus, “How many times do I have to forgive?” and grew into, “Just cover everyone in love.”

I didn’t even realize until today that that was the context for the Scripture. I’ve probably heard it 100 times. But I saw that and I was like, “Oh, I love others for love covers a multitude of sin.” If you say you know the love of God, and yet you can’t love your neighbor, 1 Corinthians 13 says you’re no better than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. Think about any middle school marching band you’ve heard. There’s always that one kid who has no idea what he’s doing with the cymbals. He’s just really excited to be there. It doesn’t sound great in the beginning, because he’s just learning, but as he matures and practices, soon the cymbals actually sound good and add to the piece. As we receive His love and start giving it away, we start sounding less like a band of beginners and more like part of the symphony we were created for. 

God is not only mercy, he is justice. If you forgive, it doesn’t mean that that person doesn’t have to face the music eventually. However, the consequences won’t be coming from you, they’ll be coming from God. Even if there is repentance on their end, there are still consequences because he’s Father. If we are submitted to his authority, then we’re His children. I remember asking a trusted advisor this question. I asked him, “Why do you think there’s suffering in the world? Like, everyone I’ve heard has a different response.” He asked, “Do you believe in justice? Do you believe that hell exists? Do you believe that there’s consequences for actions?” Yes, God is merciful, but he’s also just and just simply means for every action, there’s a consequence. And you face the consequences of that action. I was like, “That is the most straightforward answer I have ever heard.” I have heard preaching on the cause of suffering, but I have never heard it said in such a straightforward manner. The answer is usually that we’re living in a fallen world. We are but also, God is justice. The advisor said, “If you don’t understand justice, then you will not understand suffering.” 

Jules
You know, I think that’s so important. Because it’s like, yeah, we’re letting them go, but you’re giving them into the hands of God. And I think that’s so important for people to know is that forgiveness isn’t just letting that person go. And then they’re just out there. They’re in God’s hands. But they’re out of your hands. The goal is for you to stop holding on to them so tightly in your heart and your mind. 

Steph
Forgiveness unlocks the door of that prison cell that you’ve been sitting in. We wonder why we can’t get out when the key is right there. When you can let it go, that’s when growth starts, that’s when breakthrough happens. Let the process happen, get up and do it again. Right? Because He’s so faithful. If there’s a point where I feel like I just can’t do this anymore, I think about everything that God has done so far. It’s all been good and He’s always been faithful. Why wouldn’t I be able to do it one more time? I can do it, I can release them into His hands. Letting Him deal with them is just far better than me trying to get vengeance on my own. I can’t be the judge because vengeance isn’t mine for the taking.

Jules
God is our hope and that’s what sets us apart from the world. “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul.” We’re called to be a peculiar/different people, right? We don’t operate in or seek vengeance. And that’s what God wants from us. You know, He’s faithful to forgive us, but He wants us to be set apart, that’s the definition of holiness. And we just don’t operate in the same way as the world would, seeking retribution. We have a hope and it’s an endless supply of everything good. Because all that is all He is: everything good. And the reason we can let people go is because we’re just letting them go right into His hands. He’s carrying us through, it’s not on our own. It’s not our own strength. It’s not our own power. We’re not alone. 

Steph
I think so many people feel like this is going to be such a weary road to travel, but they’re probably trying to do it in their own strength. The Bible says the joy of the Lord is our strength. Forgiveness is tough without God. It’s nearly impossible without Him. But if you are living in the Father’s heart, if that is your home, and you’re operating from the Father’s heart, then forgiveness is second nature, because that’s what He does. Having the joy of the Lord doesn’t mean that you’re just always happy and everything is amazing all the time. It’s just that even in the midst of the storm, when I’m going through it, I know what I sow in tears, I reap in joy. 

Jules
We have to understand that in every season, all of Him is fully available to us. You know? In Him is everything we need and He will pull us through. What advice would you give to someone needing to forgive?

Steph
First, if you’re not ready to forgive, I would ask Father God to identify what’s standing in the way. Sometimes there’s a wall that you need to take down. Ask Him, “Father God, is there a wall between you and me?” If there is, ask Him  “Father God, is it safe for this wall to come down?” If he says it’s safe, ask Him to help you tear it down. Once it’s down, go to the forgiveness prayer.

This is a prayer that has been extremely valuable for me. And if you’re ready to forgive, I think this is a great one. 

“Father God, I choose to forgive (their name) for (name the offense). I take them off my hook; I take back from them all that is mine and give back to them all that is theirs. I release them to You, covered in the blood of Jesus.”