by Jules

If I were to tell you my defining, life-altering story about the beginnings of my true, dedicated journey with God, it would have to begin here. I’ve tried to think of the most appropriate approach and I hope I’ve done it with truth and love.

I was six years into my marriage. We had hit a wall (or, had been hitting one for a long time). Neither of us knew how to handle it, and the distance took hold, among other things. It was a dark, scary place. One night the words were finally spoken from the other party: He wanted a divorce. (A sentiment I would later return as my world crumbled around me and I didn’t know how to cope).

It felt like my best friend had died. It was so painful, so confusing. It was the deepest depth of pain I had ever felt. It would lead to many wrenching, chaotic months, until it was just over.

I respect the family of this person. I have forgiven this person. This post isn’t exactly about that. And I don’t think it’s necessary to elaborate more out of love and moving forward. *I also don’t personally advocate for divorce without relentlessly seeking God and what He says about it.*

The First Dream of Many

The night that he had first officially announced finality, I had a very vivid dream about someone else that I love. This person and their wife were on a plane and the plane ended up crashing. In the dream, I thought “…and I never shared Jesus with them!” I woke up crying, shaking. It was so vivid.

My husband who had just dropped a bomb on me was suddenly consoling me, thinking I was crying about that. (And I would many times later on as I tried to heal.) But this night something wild happened. I had a dream I didn’t share Jesus with someone and they were lost forever. It crushed me. And I didn’t know Jesus!

Go to God

Through everything I was facing, I went to friends and family for help. The recurring response was: just go to God. But how do you go to God? I grew up in church. I felt like I’d formed this relationship with Him. I had a Bible I read quite a bit as a kid. But through church hurt and other circumstances, I walked away for a few years. Every once in a while, I’d watch a sermon. I’d look into other religions. I remember a Scientology building and billboard popping up in my area. I took the test! I didn’t know anything about it and ended up moving on, thank God. Something had to fix me and I was yearning for some higher power. There was a huge deficit that I had honestly felt long before even this.

I ended up going to a familiar place to both me and my husband—a church we were previously at before trying others and then moving on.

Over time and commitment to finding God for comfort and to solidify what exactly I believed, I learned more about God at a rapid rate in a great place for questions and growth. So many questions I’d kept in my pockets would be answered in this incredible place. I spent a ton of time reading, praying, giving God all my frustrations and questions. On my lunch breaks, I would read the Bible. On nights when I was alone I would get home from work and would read and pray until bed. Over time I began to feel and know the presence and comfort of God, reaffirming my faith in the God of the Bible, the old and new testaments. I found peace in dark places. I would have to grab it again and again.

My spouse ended up leaving me months later. I firmly planted in this church. My spirit lit up when I was in this building. I spent months without any TV and just spent time with God, and I started to hear Him and His heart. He was kind, patient, gently corrective. I remember many nights of pouring everything out before God.

There was a night (which would become one of several) that I told God how much pain I was in and how I had nothing in me. I remember Him telling me, “I will absolutely stay with you here. But, if you come with me over here [church that night], I will do so much more!”

And He did. I did not by any means grow up charismatic. I now joke that “I didn’t choose the charismatic life; the charismatic life chose me!” Wild things happened that I could barely process. I am here today to tell you just how wildly God loves you and wants so badly for you to lift your face to Him! He is a God of miracles!

God Speaks

The church I was at operated in the prophetic, which is something I didn’t understand and remained skeptical about for a while. The bible talks about prophecy, which is knowledge from God about matters, and the Bible is prophecy—a foretelling of what was to come and is yet to come.

In my months of just me + God time (other than work and church) I would pour out everything before God and do praise and worship before Him and just talk at Him for hours. I remember one time that I paused and repented. It felt like I’d been talking at a stranger and I needed to stop, repent, and ask Him to rule my life officially.

In my ongoing journey with God, I started having dreams that would come true. I had dreams that would happen word for word, action for action. One dream that I had was that a man prophesied over a girl at my church and gave her instruction. I submitted the dream to a friend—meaning, let it be filtered through what she knew about this girl to make sure I wasn’t just talking nonsense to her that would deter her from whatever it was she needed to do. The friend looked at me and said, “You know, you should deliver this message” and it ended up being valid to this girl, someone who I only knew their name and nothing else about them. The fact that God gave me this dream has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I know now is only the goodness of God to deliver a message through anyone. How sweet and validating does it feel to have a message delivered by someone who could know nothing about you? You can’t deny God’s power when it happens. It’s hard to feel like you misheard God in that moment.

God Sees Me

In relentlessly learning about God and pursuing every facet of Him I could, I had two very wild God moments that shook me and showed me I could never again deny God or His power. And even today God continues to blow my mind. I am thankful for every merciful show of power even when He owes us nothing.

My first wild God-moment—My church was hosting a prophetic conference. I had been living on my own, separated, for a few months at this point. Being home was painful. I did everything I could to not be home. I figured being at church every time the doors were open would be a good use of my time. (And when church wasn’t open, I found other Christian volunteer opportunities, adding to my time away from home.) So again, this prophetic conference was coming up. I volunteered to help with hospitality and we had a volunteer night to worship and prepare before the official event. I was beyond physically worn out. I worked extra hours at work. I didn’t sleep much. I volunteered at church and with other organizations nonstop.

During the volunteer night I felt like I had poured out the last drop of anything I had in me. I felt like I physically couldn’t go anymore and there were no options on where to go that could ever truly ease my pain. The man leading the conference got on the microphone and mentioned that He felt like God was telling him there was a lady in the audience who needed to “put something on the altar” and he talked about how God was already providing. To be honest—I didn’t hear 2/3 of what he said. I. Was. Tired.

Like everyone else, I waited for whoever it was to go forward. I’d heard by now a few prophecies in different settings and they felt generic, so I was still full of skepticism but still wanted to believe God could do anything. Plus, I kind of wasn’t even listening. I had no ears to hear.

In a final moment of exhaustion, as the room waited for this person to come forward, I sat down. I put my arms on the chair in front of me, buried my head into my arms, and prayed, “God. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what he’s saying. Please have that lady go forward. I have nothing. Nothing. I’m so tired.” And then with no other words, I just said “God… help me to run. Help me to run. Help me to run.” (Over and over and over).

Then. The man on the microphone stopped, closed his eyes, and said… “Help them to run. Help them to run. Help them to run.” (Over and over and over).

… … … my tiny little mind was blown. I shot my head up, wide-eyed, terrified and in awe. He continued to wait for this person to come forward. In a room full of people who I feel like would have been eager to go forward, no one moved. He went ahead and prayed over the room and for “this woman.” It was a huge moment in my walk with God to have this external person literally say my very unique prayer right before me, not seeing my face. It reinvigorated me knowing God was so personal and so close. Fun detail… this speaker ended up moving his family to Fort Worth (local now) and I am now a member of his church! I’ve been impacted in so many ways by their obedience and teachings.

My second wild God-moment—I was at a friend’s house for dinner with a small group of my church friends and a couple of others. One of my friends was telling me that they were going to go to another church one Sunday to see a specific teacher that they liked. He was telling me all about this guy when he stopped and turned to me and said, “You know what. I think you need to go too. I think you’re going to hear from the Lord.”

In true non-committal fashion, I said I would think about. I was still separated, and this time with even greater time passed. I had been praying for restoration for a long time and was recently losing hope and starting to let go. I got to where I didn’t want to hear the word “restoration” on the mouth of anyone, because it was unbearable to think about the mending it would take. I had a fear in the pit of my stomach that God would bring up restoration. Begrudgingly, I decided to join my friends that Sunday.

The whole night before, and the whole morning of, I told God repeatedly, “Don’t you dare mention restoration to me. Don’t even think about it. I don’t want to hear it. It’s too painful and You and I both know it can’t happen. DON’T SAY RESTORATION TO ME.” Have you ever told God what He can and cannot do? I was always in a battle of “I will be obedient this far.” I would be where I should be physically, like dragging my self to the right place but never fully embracing what God could have for me there. I was rebellious. Hurt.

I can’t even tell you what the sermon was on, because I have already forgotten. I did my duty of sitting toward the back, away from the speaker. He gave his message and then they announced that they would be giving words of knowledge, meaning they would ask God His heart for anyone specific in the room and let Him move. Trust me, this used to sound weird to me, too.

He locked eyes with me and made a direct line for me while I looked down and physically moved inward in the aisle to hopefully lose his attention. Because remember, God was not going to say restoration to me this day!

This was the kindest man ever. But again… I had kind of told God to stay away from me, even though I showed up!

He started speaking restoration over me. He spoke about how I had a heart to restore things. He saw an image of me shopping and how I wouldn’t go for the bright, shiny new item but would choose the older item and say “I can restore this!”

Have you ever had a lost purpose returned to your heart? I broke down at the very first mention of restoration. My dear friend Xaundelle rushed to my side, held me, and cried with me. I think I even remember pulling her in because I just couldn’t bear the word by myself.

I had been horrified that God would speak of the restoration of my marriage, which was something I had lost all hope for. I know it would have been His heart for that to happen. But with free will, God did what He could do—He restored my heart. He spoke purpose to me of how I love and want to heal everything around me. This speaker didn’t know me. I didn’t follow him on social media and didn’t know much about him. God chose this stranger in this moment, despite me, because of His own goodness and love for me.

I have always had a love for hearing other people’s hearts, their goals, and missions. I am fueled by the passion they want to pour into something and love talking to them about how they can make it happen. I had always been the friend people went to for advice. I had greatly lost focus on something I love so much, and had found myself in severe need of comfort with no idea how to receive it. I became so wrapped around one person that I no longer filled myself with what my soul needed and I had nothing to pour into anyone else. The pain had fragmented me and caused me to lose my identity until God found situation after situation to remind me, “I put this great passion in you! Let’s run again! Together, this time!” God spoke through this man to give me a new hope, and I’d never be the same again!

The Altered Life

This was a whole new world for me. God’s heavenly kingdom had been brought to earth to destroy every stronghold operating in my life.

I had spent so many months in anxiety, fear, worry and loss. And I truly lost a lot. I even went through having a gallbladder removed from stress and weight loss. I made a long mental list of all the things being “taken” from me. Over time, God restored and healed all the places that had been broken. Sometimes it was a long, winding journey, and other times it was in an instant. And one day, I could no longer count the things gone missing, but found gratitude for what God was now giving me.

I had poured so much time into being in His presence and reading His word that I was able to replace every lie that I tried to think that entered my head. I was loved, cherished, and it was God’s desire to be both a good Father and Husband to me that He would provide for everything I needed. Through community, being at church, and simply being with God, my heart was restored.

I have had difficult moments even after this great healing, but I now have a Heavenly Father to turn to. I’ve learned to hear Him more on my own through prayer, reading the Bible, and worship. I used to seek out prophetic voices when I felt stuck. It will always be an amazing thing to hear that extra-external voice when I am uncertain, but how much sweeter it is to hear God’s voice through pure time with Him. It is truly a journey—one of the most incredible things you will ever embark on.

God gave me peace for every storm. He gave me courage, boldness, and love. Every situation is now held up to His lens and not my own. It was a priceless surrender that gave me all I needed for everything I face in life.

It still blows my mind to this day, and I have many, many more similar stories. I learned over time that this is a daily, lifetime pursuit.

For now, I hope something in this has encouraged you. And I know God wants to give you a personal story of redemption as well!

Your Invitation To The Journey

Maybe you know who God is, and maybe you only know about Him. Maybe God has been a universal, abstract and intangible figure in your mind; Maybe you believe in a different power, or don’t believe anything at all.

If anything in my journey has spoken to you, would you be open to learning more by praying this prayer with me?

God, I may not know who you are. I want to know you. I admit that I have done wrong things in life and that I am not perfect. I want to be filled with your spirit and peace so that I can live the abundant life that you want for me.

Before you continue, I want you to know: God is holy, perfect. Because of the wrong things we have done in life, we could never earn our place in heaven by His side.

Yet Because of God’s great love for us while we still didn’t deserve it, He sent His son, Jesus, to die for all, even people who had mocked and beaten Him. Jesus lived a perfect life to be the purest sacrifice (payment for our wrongdoings and distance from God) we could ever have. He willingly devoted his 33 years of life on Earth to following everything God told Him to do, healing the sick, telling the mandates and Good News of God, and following every law God had ever given.

He taught nothing for His own gain and lived a devoted life, experiencing just about every difficult form of pain we could go through in human form. He gave up His life for our opportunity to be with God in Heaven. It is a free gift, and when you fully accept it and commit your life to God, you will never be the same. And that’s good news!

Would you continue praying with me?

God, I thank you for the gift of Jesus as a perfect covering over my wrongdoings. I accept this free gift of eternal life by devoting my life to you, even as I am still figuring out what that means. Please show me what it looks like to follow you, hear you, know you, and serve you. I commit to letting you change my life because your great love for me came at a high price that I could never deserve. You are a good Father and I thank you for loving me. Amen.

If you prayed with me today, welcome to the first day of your new life!

Stay tuned with us and we hope to bring you more good news and understanding through topical posts and other personal stories.